Did You Hear The One About - jokes humor Ask MetaFilter. Big hear funding update! February 19, 8 It did like nobody tells jokes anymore.
What's all brown and sticky? A Stick, get it? People occasionally accuse me of having a childish sense of humor, but really, I find that to be one damn funny joke. What kind of stereo system works best in Hell? I've heard this one a few times lately, and it was on the radio this morning Mike and Joey go out to the you, and after a few too many funny, Mike pukes all over his shirt.
105 of the best bad jokes that will make you cringeShe's going to kill me.
Contact Us View our online privacy statement. Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist. He sold his soul to Santa Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash. He's all right now. How do crazy people go through the forest. They take the psycho path. How do you get holy water. Boil the hell out of it. How does a spoiled rich girl change a lightbulb?.Not all jokes are meant for kids, that is why we have specifically listed these jokes for adults. Just make sure the kids are not around while you go through them. But of course the jokes are very funny, so you might not be able to control your laughter. These nuggets of gold were diligently sourced for and not just randomly picked.
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Peter and get to see God. God says to Bill, "You look familiar The Purr-loined Litter What do you call a big box of mexican pickles? I heard this one first on MeFi and it has killed every person I've told it to since What's the opposite of Christopher Reeve? How do you get 50 dead babies into a bathtub? How do you get them out? Why don't blind people skydive? It's really hard on the dogs. While he's waiting, he strikes up a conversation with the guy next to him, and it turns out that he's there because he has a red ring around the base of his penis.
The nurse calls the other guy's name, and he goes in. After five minutes, he comes out, walks over to the guy with the green ring, and says "Don't worry about it, it's nothing" with a big grin. Right then the nurse calls the first guy's name, and he goes in.The doctor takes one look at the guy with the green ring, and says "I'm sorry, but I'll have to amputate your penis.
Bartender says "Hey buddy, what's the hurry? Sleepy fucked a pen-guin! Ok, I made this up early one morning while half-asleep. What's big white and depressed? As mentioned above, a lot depends on the delivery. For instance, I find it effective to slap the back of your left hand into your right palm on the first, fourth, and seventh syllables of "beats him to death with a club". It's also a good idea to shape your hands like you're holding a dozen bananas at the appropriate places.
This joke was heard secondhand, originating from a physics professor. He goes about his business, maybe a little carelessly, not really caring much for the train's passengers. One morning, a certain passenger gets on. Now the conductor has hated this passenger for the longest time, and he decides that today he's going to do something about it. So he goes up to the passenger and beats him to death with a club. Ted singing and Danson! I bought some shoes from a drug dealer.
Funny did you hear jokes Jul 21, - Did you hear the one about the Italian chef? We've curated 20 droll 'did you hear' jokes for your chuckling pleasure. Awkward but funny. Did you hear.? PreviousNext. Did you hear about the man who drank 5 gallons of tea? He drowned in his teepee! Tweet Share. Categories:Miscellaneous. Why did the golfer change his pants? Because he got a hole in one! I bought a ceiling fan the other day. Complete waste of money. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? There's no way he was going to get away with it, of course, in front of so many witnesses and all.
He's arrested, and ends up in front of the judge, who sentences him to death. The method of execution in this particular part of the world is the good ol' electric chair.
They take him down to the execution chamber and get him ready. As convention demands, the executioner asks him, "Do you have a last request? The conductor thinks for a few minutes, and replies, "Yes, I'd like a dozen bananas.
Once he's done, they sit him down in the chair, strap him in, put the little cap on his head, and flick the switch! And thanks to that old law that says you can't be executed twice for the same crime, they have to let him go.
So he manages to get his old job back, and goes back to being a conductor on the train. One morning, not too long afterwards, a certain passenger gets on the train. Now the conductor really hates this passenger's guts, and he decides to do something about it.
He gets arrested again, sentenced to death, and ends up in the execution chamber again. The executioner asks him, "Do you have a last request? The conductor thinks for a few seconds ,and replies, "Yes, I'd like a dozen bananas.Funny did you hear jokes Once he's done, though, they thoroughly soak him in water to make sure the electricity gets to him. Then they sit him down in the chair, strap him in, and put the little cap on his head, and flick the switch!
So he goes back to his job as the train conductor. Now the conductor really hates this passenger's guts—I mean, he really hates this guy. He gets arrested, sentenced to death, and ends up in the execution chamber again.
The conductor replies right away, "Yes, I'd like a dozen bananas. Once he's done, though, not only do they thoroughly soak him in water, but they stick all sorts of needles into his skin, dress him in tin foil, anything to make sure the electricity gets to him.
The executioner is bewildered, saying "I don't get it! I don't see how this is possible. Why can't you be electrocuted? Why won't you die? One day a pair of whales, Lucy and Fred, were swimming along when they came across their friend Ned, who looked terribly sad.
They asked him what was wrong. Ned said, "You see that boat up there? It killed my father. But I know what we can do. We'll take deep breaths, swim under the boat, then exhale and upset the boat. And then we'll eat the sailors. I don't mind doing blowjobs, but there's no way I'm swallowing any seaman. I saw this on slashdot last week: Superman is flying around one night, and spies Wonder Woman sleeping through her open window.
Well, Superman has Super-speed, so he figures he can be "in and out" before anyone's the wiser. So, he zips in, does his business really fast, and takes off. Shortly after, Wonder Woman sits up and asks "what the hell was that? Here was my contribution to That old thread that Anastasiav mentioned earlier..
Even though I have told this joke so many times that half the world knows it already, it's still damn funny to me.
A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. Then, a louder knock follows. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
Can you give me a push?? It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Honey, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's door to get us started again?
What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?? He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?? Two statisticians go deer hunting. Out in the woods they see a buck, and they both take a shot. The first one's shot went 10 yards in front of the buck, the second one's shot went 10 yards behind.
They both reported a direct hit. What's the difference between a tire and used condoms? One was a Goodyear, and the other was a really good year. A traveling salesman stops at a farmhouse and asks if he can spend the night. The farmer says, "Ok, but you have to share the room with my daughter. He enters the room, sees another salesman in bed with the daughter, and shouts out, "Oh my god!
I'm in the wrong joke! What were George W Bush's 3 hardest years? Why are there no Walmarts in Iraq? Because they're all Targets. You have to be above a certain age to "get" this joke it uses a tagline from a TV commercial: What do monsters eat? What do monsters drink? Two Americans, Bob and Jeff, decide to open a bungee-jumping business in Mexico. They set up on the square of a small village.
Bob jumps, bounces at the end of the cord, and flies back up by the platform. Jeff isn't able to catch his friend, but he notices he has a few cuts and scratches. Bob falls again, bounces, and comes back up. This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again, Jeff misses him.
The third time it happens, Bob comes back pretty messed up - he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily, Jeff finally catches him and says, "Holy cow, what happened? Was the cord too long? How do you tell a rectal thermometer from an oral one? Dog limps into a saloon. Scans the surly cowpokes bellied up to the bar and says done in your best western drawl "I'm lookin' for the man that shot my paw. Why were 4, 5, and 6 afraid of 7? A joke I made-up myself at sixth grade camp: What did one yucca plant say to the other yucca plant?
Stop beating around the bush and get to the point. Already at age 11, I knew that the word "cactus" is not nearly as funny as "yucca. A man came home and found his wife lying naked in a very messed up bed. He glared at her and said, "So where is he? I was just having a nap. He stepped out on his balcony and saw a guy getting into his convertible in the parking lot below.
The husband went back into the apartment, dragged the fridge out onto the balcony, and heaved it over the railing. Then he had a heart attack and died. Change of scene to that old joke standby - the Pearly Gates, with a number of people waiting to get in. Peter asked the first man to step up and asked him, "How did you die? Peter waved him into heaven and asked the next man how he died. The second man said, "I was getting into my car, minding my own business, when this psycho threw a fridge at me and I died.
Peter told him he could go into heaven, and asked the third man how he died. The third man said, "I was sitting in this fridge, minding my own business This is the filthiest joke I know: A newly licensed mortician finds a job in a small-town funeral home.
Very little happens in this town, so the boss decides to take the weekend off to go fishing. As it turns out, there's an accident on the highway outside of town, and a beautiful young woman is killed.
She is brought to the funeral home, and, to prove his mettle, the young mortician decides not to call his boss in from his fishing trip, and handles the girl himself. When the boss comes back on Monday morning, he says, "I heard there was an accident, did we get any business? You want to look her over? After a minute or two the boss says, "Well, it looks like you did a thorough job. I'm sure the family will be vey pleased. But there is one thing I'd like to ask you about.
I found a shrimp lodged between her legs and I couldn't get it out. I think you'd better show me. Is it midnight already? I hardly know her! What's a man with no arms and no legs hanging on a wall? What's a man with no arms and no legs under a pile of leaves? What do you call Two guys with no arms and no legs sitting next to a window? How many Reed College or insert local private liberal arts college students does it take to change a lightbulb? One, they just put it in the socket and let the world revolve around them.
How many Gutter-punks does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Gutter-punks don't screw in lightbulbs, they screw in their own vomit. How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
What, like, you don't already know? How many hippies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Hippies don't change burnouts, they follow them around for 25 years.
How many hippies can you fit into a VW bus? Two more and a dog, bra. How do you hide money from a hippie? Put it in some work boots. Why did the hippie move to Eugene, Oregon? He heard there was no work there. How do you know Santa Claus is a hippie?
He's got long hair and a beard, never changes his clothes and only works one day a year. How do you save a hippies life? Take your foot off his neck.
What do you call a busload of hippies, on fire, going over a cliff with two vacant seats? A waste of space. How do you kill rocks? Put them in a burlap sack with some kittens. A man will inherit a million dollars if he can use up a trainload of bricks building things.
He builds a brick house, a brick wall, a brick garage, a brick storage shed, he bricks in the entire yard, he builds brick statues, he completely exhausts his imagination and still has one brick left. The deadline for his inheritance is approaching, so he does the only thing he can think of: As the truck falls down the cliff, he looks over the edge and whispers, "Radio". A man gets onto a train and takes a seat in a semi-private berth. Just before the train pulls out of the station, a very large woman carrying a small dog takes the other seat.
After a few minutes, the man lights up a cigar and proceeds to fill the berth with fumes. The woman takes exception to this and tells him to put out the cigar. Her dog, sensing the tension, begins yapping, which only infuriates the man. The argument escalates until the man opens a window, grabs the dog, and throws it off the train. The woman retaliates by ripping the cigar from the man's mouth and throwing it out the window, too.
They are just about to come to blows when the conductor separates them and puts them both off the train a the next station. They are standing on the platform, still arguing, when the dog comes running up to them. Guess what the dog has in its mouth?
The brick from my last joke. This is more effective with different people telling the two jokes. How many members of Pearl Jam does it take to change a light bulb? So I went into a bank the other day, and walked up to the "New Accounts" desk, and sat down.
The lady there said hello and asked how she could help me. I could see her pointing over at me and talking with him in a whisper. He looked suspiciously in my direction, and finally the two of them came back over to me. He pointed to the New Accounts lady. It's not a joke, but I do so love the limerick, and I wrote this one in 8th grade: There once was a couple from Bel Air, who enjoyed making love on the stair, on the 43rd stroke, the old banister broke, so they finished it off in midair.
Ok, that bank joke is a little misogynist, but the following is my absolute worst. How can you tell when your little sister is on her period? Your dad's dick tastes funny. I suppose I could have asked, "does anyone know any funny jokes that aren't tasteless?
So there's these two fish in a tank, and one says to the other, "Hey, you know how to drive this thing? Orange Swan, I'm not sure who, but someone made a music video or a short movie of that joke. I make up bad jokes , such as: How much does a pirate pay for corn? What did Patrick Henry declare upon entering the whorehouse? Give me Libby or give me Beth! What do you call a pimp from Indiana? You think that Dr Atkins guy lost 21 grams when he died? As told to me by my high school Am.
Henry Wadsworth Longfellow and Ogden Nash are dead. At the gates of heaven, they are each asked by St Peter why each deserves entry into heaven. Well, if you were good poets, I will admit you into heaven. To prove your worth, I will give each of you a word which you need to rhyme in a poem. If your poem is good, I will let you in. Your word is "Timbuktu". Well, that is difficult but I can do this.
Here is my poem: I went for a cruise one summer day, when much to my dismay. We came to storm which was not due, on a cruise headed to Timbuktu.
Clearly you are a great poet. Thinking this has to be easy, there can be no harder word to work with than Timbuktu. It is your turn. Son of a bitch! I can not believe he gave me the same word. Okay, I am ready. Tim and I for a walk we went, we spied three chicks, a-lyin' in a tent. They were three and we but two, so I bucked one and Tim bucked two. Why did Hemmingway cross the road? A professor is studying porpoises for years, examining their mating habits. He discovers that they get very excited when around mynah birds.
So, he studies for years on the effect of having mynah birds around porpoises. The porpoises are depressed and refuse to mate. The problem is that mynahs are protected and can no longer be exported from their native land. So, the professor heads up an expedition to gather up some mynahs to bring back for his studies. After days of walking, his expedition falters when the group comes to a state animal preserve. The guide tells the professor that the bearers cannot go further since it is state land.
So, the professor has to go on alone. Luckily, he doesn't have to go far when he spies several mynah birds. Unfortunately, right in front of the birds are two huge lions. He sold his soul to Santa Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash? He's all right now. How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho path.
How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it. How does a spoiled rich girl change a lightbulb? She says, "Daddy, I want a new apartment. What do prisoners use to call each other? What do the letters D. What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? What do you call cheese that isn't yours? What do you call Santa's helpers? What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand? What do you get from a pampered cow?
Try Not To Laugh At The 25 Best Two-Line Jokes Ever!
Funny did you hear jokes He sold his soul to Santa Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash? He's all right now. They take the psycho path. Contact Us View our online privacy statement. Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist? How do crazy people go through the forest? of the best bad jokes that will make you cringe